Saturday, 11 August 2012

Gaggity giggity

I was talking to Mr Five-Fifteen-And-Thirty-Seconds when he suddenly said: ‘STOP! Am a time.’

I always thought ‘Pop Will Eat Itself’ should have been named ‘Pop Will Drink Itself’. 

My tweet-review of "The Dark Knight Rises": needs more yeast.

Stockholm Syndrome is bad. Eamonnholmes Syndrome is worse.

‘Knack Knack!’ ‘Who’s there?’ ‘80s one-hit wonder famous for “My Sharona”!’ ‘Did you bring a punchline with you?’ ‘[long pause] No.’

Pliny the Elder was only one famous Ent to be granted Roman citizenship: there was also Pliny the Oak, Pliny the Willow and Pliny the Elm.

My sit-com pitch: four nerdy guys who like to balance miniature hairpieces on their genitalia: ‘The Wig Wang Theory’.

Breaking news! Archaeologists have unearthed a papyrus containing Homer’s lost epic ‘Evenssey’. At last the set is complete!

On July 14th the whole of London responds to the call to spit-roast Elvers. We call it ‘Baste Eel Day’.

‘Mr Dabolina Mr Bob Dabolina. Mr Dabolina Mr Bob Dabolina. Mr Dabolina Mr Bob Dabolina Mr Bob Dabolina Mr Bob Dabolina.’ ‘YES??’ ‘Oh. Hi.’

They’re all studying Sir Geoffrey Howe’s speeches except my friend, Finn KCG. I said: Let’s go, Sir Finn — now everybody’s learning Howe.

It's come to my attention that the Spanish translation of Robert Graves' "I Claudius" is the Sopranos-worthy "Yo, Claudio"

Scientists in Switzerland have discovered the molecule that makes you touchy-feely with friends when tipsy: The Hugs Boson.

So much chart pop sounds like barking sea mammals! You think that people would have had enough of seal-y love songs.

I’m going to write a novel about an untrustworthy contrast-control button called ‘Shifty Fades of Grey’. I hope to retire on the proceeds.

This Lord Sreform seems to be in the news a lot lately. What's he done, exactly?

I have cut myself off from all social interaction. I shall get all groceries via IncommunOcado.

One does not simply moonwalk into Mordor … wait, no: wrong Jackson.

To quote the West Country Will-Smith classical-music rap, ‘Barenboim-boim-boim/Shake the roim.’

The RAF developed the three aircraft in tandem but only flew the Spitfire, leaving the Spitphlegm and Spitmarshmallow in mothballs.

Jazzster & trumpet-tooter Hester Ribes is in belligerent mood. And when ‘Toot’ Ribes goes to war a point is all that you can score.

Men love it when I take hold of an adult moose by the horns and shake it like a doll! In point of fact my elk-shake brings ALL the boys to the yard.

The original music for “The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe” was actually composed by Faun Williams.

I repudiated one third of the end of my fork, and in return they gave me EVERYTHING! Forgone the tine: it’s all mine — it’s all mine!

Why is there a why is there something rather than nothing question rather than no why is there something rather than nothing question?

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