The gags go ever on

My love for The Smiths elides my feelings about Morrissey's solo career. There is elide that never goes out.

Has anyone got any closer to finding out what makes a tiny bloodsucking insect tick?

Instead of culling badgers why not curl them? Slide them along the ice brushing the path ahead of them furiously with a broom? Better.

Surely the craftiest rock group of all time was the J. Guile Band?

Under the Magnum Carta the principle was enshrined in English law that crimes against freemen be investigated by a moustachioed Hawaiian.

A story of British gangster life in the 60s walked into a bar. The barman asked: 'why the long firm?'

An everyday story of pirate folk: ‘The Arrrrrchers’.

I’ve fallen back on my Classical education to write “Fifty Hades of Grey” #bleak

Aha! It’s those two assassins employed by the Italian Tourist Board: C. Naples, Ann Dye.

‘I give 3.14159 three stars out of five.’ International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

I've remixed "The Wicker Man" with some mashed-up blockrockin beats. Called it the "wickerwickerwickermaan". Blud.

If my proposals are adopted, weekly calendars will go from riverrunday to riverrunday. I call it "Finnegans Week".

What’s the fuss? They’re only culling the badgers. They’re letting the goodgers live.

I invented a bathroom vent with a circular spinning fan in it. They told me it’d already been done. I was just re-enwheeling the vent.

Film idea: ‘Taken That.’ “I will hunt you down. I will find you. And I will sing a duet with Lulu at you.”