Monday, 26 November 2012


They’ve just discovered a copy of Machiavelli’s rare 1519 2nd-edition of The Prince: ‘Symbole: ye Treatise Formerlye Known As Prince’.

There’s nothing stopping Asperger’s sufferers becoming major international poets. Just look at Rainman Maria Rilke.

Bad news: ITV have turned down my pitch for a new vegetarians-in-discomfort reality show, "I'm Full Of Celery -- Get Me A Root Beer"

‘When I buy bees it is God’s will I buy them from a man. The Bible is very clear on the topic of Women’s Bee-Shops.’

Loganberries. Watch out for them. They give you the runs, kill you soon after your 30th birthday.

Ingot-glorious Basterds. #metalfilms

Shire On You Crazy Diamond #tolkiensongs

Positive noises from the BBC re: my idea of combining ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ & ‘One Man And His Dog’: “Strictly COOM-BY, COOM-BY Dancing’.

Dear Authorities. Please rename Penny Farthings ‘Two-pound-coin Five-pee-pieces.’ This is the 21st Century. Yours, A. PS I am not a crank.

Like any serial killer I make furniture out of body parts of my victims. And now this fat-headed policeman wants to arrest me? *Headdesk*

And God said ‘fiat lux’. And so God created a luxury Italian car. ‘This is no use,’ God said, tetchily. ‘The headlights don’t even work.’

Hearing that George III’s urine was blue the citizens of Boston insisted he show them, insisting ‘no taxation without wee presentation!’

'Doctor Freud! People keep riding pushbikes across me.' 'I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. You're a cyclepath.'

I want to stuff my casual shoes with leaves. Crazy that I can’t manage it! There must be fifty ways to leaf your loafers!

The French wine industry finally decides to cash-in on James Bond. A franchise agreement has been signed to permit ‘Double-O Sauvignon’

The London Array has gone live, but is presently not generating any electricity. It’s a shame about Array.

To adapt Eliot: ‘It’s gidding it’s gidding it’s gidding kinda hectic/So POLICE stay off my back, or I will attack./And you don’t want that.’

Each 24 hour period used to have its own spine. Back in the day.

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