Gagsvember

Wouldn't it be a shame if these were lost to posterity?

What do you mean, no?

Mr Stanley David Raine: "Ms Peebles, can you help me out with a joke on Twitter?" Ann Peebles: "I can't, Stan D. Raine."

I've recast "Paradise Lost" as a medieval tourney, with Adam & Satan as knights on horseback. My aim is to joustify the ways of God to man.

1% of sealife hog 80% of the legs: Octopi Wall Street!

Tilda Swinton stars as a US woman who finally accepts her reading of ‘Lord of the Rings’ is wrong: We Need To Cave About Tolkien.

My favourite writer who is also a Japanese cow is probably Moo-rukami.

I tend to shirk. Don't get me wrong, I don't like doing it -- in fact it's hell. But what can you do? It's the shirk-hell of life.

Take Deleuze Train To Clarksville #PopSongLiteraryCritics

'Hair gel' and 'hedge-L' are pronounced the same. This explains the trouble I had trying to buy an L-shaped hedge at the garden centre.

Treebeard's activity was vital in the war against Sauron. Hence the Chinese curse: ‘May you live through Ent resting times.’

There's a reason why sans serif is a godly font: Satan lurks in serif letter-tails and adornments. The Devil is in the D-tail.

JMW Turner was a great artist, no question. But the nudes painted by his racier brother, NSFW Turner, have more commercial appeal.

Publishers have rejected my novel about a Vampire landlord called Ian & his difficulties in today's housing market: Let the Right One, Ian.

He discharged his firearm and gouged a line in this metal plate. He shoots, he scores.

Oh no! The Hindenburg has set off on its maiden voyage without sufficient supplies of Middle Eastern dip & Earl Grey! Oh, the hummus an’ the tea!

Winnie the Pooh's death moved Kierkegaard deeply. He published his attempts to make sense of it in Concluding Unscientific Pooh's Crypt.

I've written a study of problematic paternity in Arthurian Literature from a Kierkegaardian perspective. It's called Uther/Or.

I bought a fork with operating instructions actually engraved upon it. It does what it says on the tine.

They call them ‘Velociraptors’, but I'VE never seen one on a bicycle.

My friend Paul's Tiscali email account auto-correct suffers paranoid delusions. It's Paul@Tiscali correctness gone mad.

I used to buy all my knitwear from ‘Predatory Fish Wool Clothing Inc’. But, frankly, they jumpered the shark long ago.

If only Burt Reynolds would put on a bit of weight! I like big Burts, and I can not lie.

One day I shall write a novel about the personal development of an individual & publish it under the pseudonym 'Bill Dungsroman'.

A nightingale sang in Berkeley square, but only if perceived to do so, for the reality of sensible things consists in being perceived.