Absent Gaggage

What do I want? What don't I want?

I DO want a brown heifer; I DON'T want Lord Stanley's metallic fruit! Alright? The order IS tan bull, not count Stan's tin apple.

My memory is terrible. I don't just have amnesia. I've several mnesias.

This lunar current bun is horrible. I think it's been made with that Bad Moon Raisin about which Credence Clearwater Revival sang.

I think it would make ‘Dragon's Den’ more interesting if one of then were actually called ‘Den’. And wore drag.

The most significant philosopher in ‘Fawlty Towers’ is probably E Manuel Kant. Author of ‘CritiQué? Of Judgment’.

If music be the food of love SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! It's HALF PAST ELEVEN PM!

You know what happens if you buy nine 99-flakes and HOLD THEM UPSIDE DOWN? The ice-cream of the Beast!

NASA launch a probe to explore Jupiter, the most Jewish of all the planets.

I refuse to sink to emoticons. You'll just have to imagine my face, sideways, smiling.

Teenagers in the UK can take 'Business Studies A-Level'. Why can't they take 'Communism A-Level'?

When singing along to the Trammps 'Disco Inferno' I recommend you replace the word 'Disco' with the word 'Dante's'. Hours of fun!

A man called Winnegan is trying to sell a forged Joyce manuscript. Personally, I have no interest in Winnegan's fake.

If you want tomato sauce you can't have it; if you don't want it, there's plenty. It's Ketchup-22.

I've opened a Mafia-funded lemonade bottle-top factory in my bottom. Now's the time to cap some pop in my ass.

The best Smiths song about a guy brewing tea in a priceless Chinese vase is probably ‘This Char Ming Man’.

I'm sorry, Totality Of Existing Matter: we have to split up. If it's any consolation: it's not Universe. It's Meniverse.

If I stand up suddenly the blood pounds in my head like Neil Peart's drumming. This is what they call ‘a head rush’.

If Wellington had lost Waterloo the world would now be ruled by Napoleon XVIII. France would have explored space with the ‘Napollo’ program.

Say what you like about Atilla -- at least he made the Huns train on time.

You know who they never play on Radio 3? The great Yugoslav composer, Johann Serbastian Bach.

I only wanted to make my wife a 'happy' cup of tea. You would not believe the brouhaha that ensued.

Jack Straw sold me a hump. A case of the Straw who brokered the camel's back.

Dan's watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. No Morph as yet. Indeed, I'm starting to suspect the director didn't even consult Tony Hart.

They really should kick-off The Annual World Amateur Go Championship with a man dressed as Joey Ramone shouting 'hey! ho! Let's Go!'

Some people claim Poe was the first SF writer. But if that were true I think he would've been called ‘Edgar Alien Poe’.

Dobbin just vomited up a heterosexual! Straight from the horse's mouth!

I just read an experimental novel made up entirely of prepositions. It's not all that.

Watching the Kierkegaard Doctor-Who spin-off: Eithert/Orchwood.

The Romans called the Mediterranean ‘Mare Nostrum’. That's ‘the Nostril Sea’. Because they thought it was shaped like a nostril. #True

To quote Louis XV, when he was commentating the Winter Olympics: “Après moi, le Luge!”

Smeagól was a weatherman who became obsessed with his list of high pressure fronts. His continual cry of ‘my pressures’ alienated everyone.

Nobody makes haunted orangeade music like the Wu Tango Clan.

I dreamt of a film about Julie Andrews and a howling dog in the Alps for three hours. It was called 'This Hound of Music'.

'Is it true you use a Faraday cage? 'Nonsense! It's rarely more than a Faraweek. And stop calling me "Cage".'

I've been reading Marcel Porc's classic of pig literature, "À la Cochon du Temps Perdu". First volume: "Swine's Way". Very good.

Sherlock Holmes was so clever! So why did his grandson Eamon end up fronting daytime TV like a moron?

St Augustine of Hippo is more famous; but personally I've always thought St Augustine of Rhinoceros the more theologically interesting.

Friend of mine went into hospital for routine work; when he came to they'd replaced his patella with pastry! He is not a happy bun knee.