Gentleman Gag-a.

Gags. Back in the day, when John Peel still had his radio show, I remember tuning in one night to hear the man himself sign off with: 'that's all for tonight. I don't know why I bother.' Wise words.

Parts 2 & 3 of the trilogy have now been published: The Trial Separation of Heaven and Hell, The Divorce of Heaven and Hell.

I read Parts A-D, but they won't give me the final section. Looks like I got to fight. For my right. To Part E.

I plan to start tomorrow with some brouhaha. Or as I like to call it: laughing tea.

... pitched exactly between the C19th sea shanty specialists 'Bob Marley and the Whalers' and the Jam tribute act 'Bob Marley's Wellers'.

I have a moleskine notebook. I write it in using a plasticskin pen, held in my humanskin hands.

For some glasses are half-full, for some half-empty. To me they're simply pince-nez, and we should leave it at that.

Director Richard Dreyfuss sacked Toby McGuire from the Jaws remake for being too skinny. 'We're gonna need a bigger Tobe' he told staff.

To make gravy, I boil human toes in a pot not once but TWICE. I call it 'Bistoe'.

In olden days the worst criminals were flayed alive. Today they get sued. Ironically, our lightest meal is called ‘soufflé’.

The original plan was for me to pass lots of electricity through the front of my head. But now I've had a volte face.

You know what makes me cross? My Crucimatic Automated Cross-maker 2000. It can produce 30, full-size, a day.

Getting out of the shower I always ask myself 'To-well, or not to-well?' Then I generally shake myself dry like a dog.

I'm like an overcoat. I'm worn out.

Maybe I should stop drinking my coffee in Starbucks. It may be time to start patronising the Gaius Baltar Café instead.

Blake, Keats, and Yeats. I call them the Bleats poets.

My Titanic novelisation explores the tragedy of the great ship on the water, sinking. Yet the publishers reject my title: Water Ship Down.

After the joust, my lady gave me her silk kerchief. I cooked it in a pot with many spices. I admit -- I was trying to curry favour.

I knitted these mittens from yoghurt, but then foolishly left them out of the fridge all night. I tell you: the gloves are off.

The writing of Rudyard Kipling. Shorter and less satisfying than the work of either Rudyard Siestaling or Rudyard Sleepling.

The first Star Wars film was actually adapted from Tennyson's 'The Charge of the Light-Sabre Brigade'.

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Titch, Pew, Pew, Barney-McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grout. Now they were a great band.

'It'll be a cold day in Hull before I ever read any Philip Larkin ...'

'Hibernation' is when an animal goes to sleep for the duration of the winter. In Ireland.

In the interests of accuracy 'Hundred and Thousands' must be renamed 'Hundreds and Hundreds'.

Someone should name a style of hat after Roger Federer.