Gags II

More of these, likewise archived for an unknown posterity. *sigh*.

I can't shake the feeling that a trilby ought to be three hats, not one.

Buffalo? Huge hairy belly -- doesn't look very buff to me.

Apparently different prepositions have different temperatures. How cool is that?

Norse Code: drött, drött, drött, dísir, dísir, dísir.

Did you see those two Daleks who got married? You've got to wonder who wears the trousers in that relationship!

At a game with the guys yesterday. Picked up 20K. Worst scrabble hand I ever had.

I get wheeled about in a low-slung trolley with a sign round my neck begging pennies. That's just the kind of guy I am.

She started reading out chapters from Martin Amis's longest novel! 'Darling!' I told her, holding up my hand, 'too much Information!'

Turns out the murderers were Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwhistle and Keith Moon. I do love a good Whodunnit.

Post-Singularity? It'll be 'ding' and 'ding'. You see, the posthuman always rings twice.

Which Sex & City character are you? I'm Missionary Constantinople.

Idea for a film: me, in Alexandria, telling people off for being naughty. Title: I Scold In Alex. Investors?

David Thomas Perdue was too noisy. That's why Proust sent his famous memo, re: shush! D. Tom Perdue.

It's unlike any other sweet. You could say, the fruit pastille's another country, they do things differently there.

So the corn on my foot is actually leprosy! And I thought lepery-corns were supposed to be lucky.

Dear Boris Johnson. My suggestion: rebrand the Underground as 'Underworld: London', staff it with Goths and charge people £12 just to enter.

The police arrested me for letting off fireworks and swearing in public. I can't complain: they got me bang tourettes.

I don't watch a lot of television. Just the front bit, where the screen is.

'Jean-Paul Sartre' translates into English as 'John Taylor'. I feel this explains the rather Duran-Duran-y flavour of L'étre et le néant.

These lizards are a sight for sauri.

I bought what I thought were Extra Strong Mints. Turns out they're actually Extra Strange Mints. This one tastes of Infinity

A teetotaler: someone whose entire pleasure from imbibing liquids is small enough to be balanced on a golf tee.

I'm very disappointment with Primark. They sold me the fifth Fermat number, 4294967297. Turns out it's divisible by 641! Bloody Primark.

Should I get a set of white-walled tyres? Do I want to cruise the miracle mile? Also, I don't have a car, so it would just be me walking around carrying some tyres.

Such a negative artist, Oscar Wilde. 'All art is quite yesless,' he once wrote.

I'm something of an idiot savant. Although without the 'savant' bit.

I'm checking back to find out which Honours list is the one in which the Hara desert got knighted for 'services to desertification'.

She wore a raspberry beret. Sadly for her, a raspberry is really too small to make an adequate hat.

Tray was the only lactating man I ever knew. I now understand how it was he had such a beautiful girlfriend. It was all because the lady loved ... to milk Tray.

The chap translating the screenplay of Planet of the Apes out of the original Latin died halfway. Should've been Planet of the Bees.

Shakira. As I understand it, she's not actually a 'Shah'. It's more of a courtesy title, like Duke Ellington.

I choose to believe that the Knack's 'My Sharona' is actually about the rare potato delicacy, 'Mash Arona'.

They call it 'pollen'. I call it Misery Cocaine.

White females who like playing with diecast metal toy trucks sadden me. It's those honky tonka women that give me the honky tonka blues.

Not having a beard makes it hard for me to prise myself out of bed. I lack get up and goatee.

Einstein stole his best ideas from that Scots physicist, Professor E E Quayle McSquared.

My advice: don't travel to China to play their ancient black-and-white pebble strategy game. Just don't Go there.

I'd like to use more fractions, but I just don't see the percentage in it for me.

An oxcart! Brilliant. That really is the best thing since bisoned sled.

Adidas also make sex-toys of course, under their alternate brand 'adildas'.

Copenhagen's disillusionment with its founder, Julian Cope, reaches new levels as the city reverts to its old name: Teardropexplodesnhagen.

I'm going to withdraw my official endorsement from arpeggios. From now on, any musician playing one must call it a 'peggio'.

The Badger-Stoat wars take a savage turn. New orders issued to the Badger medics re: treating the injured: 'if it aint Brock, don't fix it.'

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And continues with 5.28 million other steps. People forget the second part of that saying.

A storm in a teacup. Or a 'brewhaha', as I like to call it.

I'm listening to Fatboy Slim's 'Right here! Right now!' It's like being in a car with the world's bossiest satnav.

[And finally, the worst gag I ever made:]

The smell of Chewitts makes me go 'ack!'. Of course I try to see the ack-scent-Chewitt as positive.