Gags

Archived. Posterity will thank me.

I didn’t realise Beyoncé was such a pickled fish fan! But then I heard her song: ‘If You Like It Then You Should Have Put Herring On It’

I've replaced all my grouse with partridge. It's been a real game changer.

'So,' she said to the ghost, 'despite being deceased you're sivving the streamwater looking for gold?' 'That's right,' he deadpanned.

The mendacity of certain big corporations! -- though not the limited lie-ability ones, obviously.

This marmalade is made from real marmas. You can taste the difference.

When Miley Cyrus tours continental Europe, she's legally obliged to change her name to 'Kilometrey Cyrus'.

When I tweet about metal I like to file-off the terminal 'L'. It's very meta.

Peter Capaldi and Chris Addison are to star in a film about a boy devoured by a French wolf, called In The Loup.

I've just read the Nautical version of The Waste Land: it ends 'Sea-shanti, Sea-shanti, Sea-shanti.'

My cellar was designed by Dan Brown. It's a Best Cellar.

Billy Graham preaches the gospel with a song on his lips and a gun in his hand. That's why we call him 'La-di-dah Gunner Graham'.

Been reading the biography of 'golden' Frank Bough by some dude called 'Sir James Frazer.' Seems a bit oblique, biography-wise, so far.

Obtain Brazilian coin at this hour? Get real!

I did some real gardening today too, as well. I dug like the devil. In fact I offered to sell my soil to Satan, but he wasn't interested.

We had pancakes the other day. Lovely. As they say: cometh the flour, cometh the pan.

Now, I like working in a midmarket clothing chainstore as much as the Next man ...

Cleanliness is next to godliness. I'm starting to think my dictionary might be defective.

The fact that 'soup' is an anagram of 'O! Pus!' has completely put me off eating soup.

As the clinically insane Computer Studies undergraduate said: 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take I.T. anymore!'

Ben Elton's planning a new musical based on the writing of Laurie Lee and the music of AC/DC: Cider With A Whole Lotta Rosie.

Appointment to see the Philosophy Mafia today concerning some discarded Kantian jottings. I'll make them an offer re: Kant refuse.

That burglar had nerves of steal!

You can't ride the giant wild eggs in the egg rodeo for very long without breaking eggs.

I'm having no luck emailing people about my excellent supplies of Specially Prepared American, and Luncheon, Meat. Not sure why.

I've often wondered if Galileo Galilei wasn't actually a dude called Galeo Galei who had a stutter.

Some say the plural of 'cactus' is 'cacti'. But that can't be right ... *I* is singular; *us* plural.

North and South Korea have had more than their fair share of the limelight. Now it's West and East Korea's turn, I say.

My somatic political philosophy: from each according to their appendices, to each according to their knees.

Spielberg's reboot: apparently tin is too cheapskate and 'last century'. The character will now be called PlatinumPlatinum.

Vladimir Putin secretly worships the Egyptian Sun God to enhance his sexual power: he has become Ra's Putin, Russia's greatest love machine.

I'd be tempted to give Weetabix a go, but I've not seen Weetab I through VIII, so I'm not sure I'd be able to follow it.

Pinch my paunch first of the month. I need to exercise more.

Consulting Harrap's French-English dictionary. Great name, Harrap! I like to think he was christened by a vicar with a very resonant cough.

Bowie's renting out his own rhythmic movements! I saw the announcement: BOWIE LETS DANCE.

To make assurance doubly sure, I'll wear trouser suspenders throughout this pagan festival: Beltane braces.

Renewable Sikh energy: a wind turban.

Bach's lesser-known work, The Ill Tempered Clavier, begins with the 'Prelude No.1 in C Major What The Fuck Are You Looking At?'

Dwarfs are grumpy. They suffer from low elf esteem.

The rabbit bit me, so the two us drove to a carpark where people were having random sex. Dog with the hare that bit you, they say.

Love is like a butterfly. It has a head, a thorax, and an abdomen, three pairs of jointed legs, compound eyes, and two antennae.

Such a compliment! 'Adam, these tweets of yours .... well, they're laughable.'

I'm pretty good at most aspects of slapstick actually; but pratfalls ... well that's where I fall down.