Tuesday, 27 September 2011


I met a man called Eugene Ellai, and I said to him: ‘Eu-gene Ell-ai? You ain't GOT no alibi -- you ugly! You ugly!’ He was not amused.

If only Burt Reynolds would put on a bit of weight! I like big Burts, and I can not lie.

One day I shall write a novel about the personal development of an individual & publish it under the pseudonym 'Bill Dungsroman'.

A nightingale sang in Berkeley square, but only if perceived to do so, for the reality of sensible things consists in being perceived.

If you love conditional statements you'll LOVE this tweet!

I propose SF Strictly Come Dancing: famous writers performing in spangley leotards. Karel Čapek could dance the Ča-Ča-Ča.

I've recast "Paradise Lost" as a medieval tourney, with Adam & Satan as knights on horseback. My aim is to joustify the ways of God to man.

'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy' -- what's the big deal? It's obvious who the spy is. The fourth one! It's right there in the title!

Strictly speaking, ‘Leo Sayer’ ought to be a talking lion. Strictly speaking.

Next week, The Hairy Bikers drink too much lager, have their bikes confiscated & are forced to hitch-hike, in: ‘The Beery Hikers’.

The most Kierkegaardian of the great 20th-century English poets is probably W. H. Either/Auden.

If Rule 34 were true, it would be possible to buy a dildo shaped like Dilbert. A Dilbertdo. But you can't.

The ancient Oriental game of Go has many variants. But which is best? If only there were some website that compared them ...

‘Rhino’ is short for Rhinoceros. Also for the less sober-minded Rhinosilly.

The little hammer behind its glass: ‘in case of emergency, break glass.’ But I look at the ’mergency Hammer & think: ‘you can't touch this.’

The Coalition do plan on keeping the NHS. It's just that, under them, the ‘N’ will stand for ‘No’.

My favourite website-flavoured tea is probably Url Grey.

Who is this Dorothy Com, after whom all those websites are named?

Picasso: not the only artist whose surname begins with an irrational number. There's also Peter Paul Squarerootoftwobens.

He's not inhibited by being a small rodent resembling a mouse but with a stouter body. He's a real vole of confidence.

Scots spell it ‘ceilidh’. This is because Scots spelling is a bit feilidh.

I'm scared of the idea of being scared of Iraqi spiders. It's Iraqarachniphobiaphobia.

So the polar sea plans to protect its intellectual property by enforcing its copyrights. It's only the IP of the iceberg.

No! The Hindenberg has crashed into the sea and is being devoured by an enormous sea cow! Oh the huge manitee!

I'm afraid my plans for a Yorkshire-based Naturist newspaper, ‘The Nude York Times’ have stalled.

‘So Mr Vader: what kind of theatre are you most interested in?’ ‘Noooooooooh!’

Did the Black Panthers have a gay wing? If so what was it called? And did it have a slinky theme tune?

Why does nobody want to play my game, ‘Tech's Arse Hold ’Em’. You have to hold the entirety of a Tech worker's arse for 17 minutes.

So Beyoncé's expecting? I'm amazed none of the papers have made reference to her 'pregnancé'.

Story idea: undead creatures who feed not on human blood but sick. Title: ‘Vompires’. You have to feel sorry for them, really.

Not only one of Christianity's greatest theologians and a saint -- but a woman! Let's hear it for Ann Selm!

Like many Atheists I worship the letter ‘A’.

The Cookie Monster is a deeply tragic character. Such a craving for cookies! And yet -- neither oesphagous or stomach! Like Tantalus.

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