Sunday, 17 July 2011


Haven't done one of these in a while.

I especially like Elvis Costello's sensitive song about a man with multiple personality syndrome, all called Oliver: 'Olivers Are Me'.

Why would I even think of smoking a Cigar? I'm better than that. I demand nothing less than an A-gar.

Sorry to see Cy Twombly has died. Out of all the “In The Night Garden” characters he was my favourite.

Transformers. Worst film about devices that transfer electricity from one circuit to another through inductively coupled conductors EVER.

Djokovic is really playing out of his skin! That crumpled pile by the umpire's chair you think is some towels? HIS SKIN!

‘Sinbad’. Actually named after a German spa-town. Not a lot of people know that.

I've thought of a new 'my dog's got no nose' gag; funny, but I don't know if it's funny-chihuahua or funny-peculiar.

It's like the old saying: red sky at night -- Patrick Moore's joined the Socialist Workers Party.

My favourite Beatles song about gay love is Paul's unashamed declaration: 'I want Toby A. Pepperbachrita'.

Want to check the internet for leg breaks that spin *from* off side *to* leg. But I don't know which search engine is appropriate.

Soon it will be the fourth of July! Or "Y", as I like to call it.

I thought Frank Sinatra was the best mathematical crooner -- until I heard Frank Cosineatra!

A: Knock Knock. B: Who's there? A: No -- Knock. The town in Ireland. B: You said it twice, though. A: There's an echo in here. #deadjokes

If I were to form a Yes tribute band I would call it ‘Jahwohl!’ and cover all the songs in the style of Laibach.

I was going to tweet a gag beginning ‘a man walked into a pub’ but I've changed my mind. Don't want to exclude you with an Inn-joke.

I'm thinking of wearing all grey and fitting a fin to the top of my head. I've heard every girl crazy bout a shark-dressed man.

‘If I Were A Goy’ must be Beyoncé's most Jewish song.

Г..e c.oki. That's the way 'the cookie' crumbles.

I'm glad Beyoncé's musical career has taken off. She flopped in her previous career as a stand-up comedian under the name 'BeyonISayISayISay'.

Lawrence of a Rabbi. Er ... #GreatJewishFilms

Oy Story #GreatJewishFilms

I feel the reduplication 'New York New York' is an implicit endorsement of same-State marriage.

‘And they called it ... puppy love.’ Such a sweet song! About bestiality.

I like to surround myself with fans of high-concept 1970s Prog rock. I call them my ‘Yes men’.

I don't think I'm overly literal minded. I just think the 'Pullitzer Prize' ought to be awarded for winning a Tug-of-War competition.

When I die I hope to be flown direct to paradise in a Heavenicopter, not sent to the Other Place in the Other Flying Machine.

"Pardonnez, mon" Pardon my French.

Eliot's "Four Quartets". Part of me thinks "The Quartettes" should be a 4-piece girl-band, perhaps sponsored by the Milk Marketing Board.

T S Eliot's heartbreaking poetic evocation of the anomie and existential angst of card games: "The Whist Land".

I think Paul Simon's most obsessive-compulsive song is probably ‘You Can Call Me Anal’.

I've listened to the first four of Holst's “Planets”. I call this ‘Halfst’.

I say to you what I say to all sufferers of dyslexia: crappy diem.

Sitting in the conservatory as the rain comes down hard. I'm closing my eyes & imagining I'm inside a deep-fat fryer.

Is the UK Old Age organisation SAGA called that because the Icelandic Sagas are ... really old?

My government may chooseth to aim longbow arrowes at Frenchmen, but I do repudiate suchlike. Joine me, at: Not In Mine Aim dot com.

‘If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs/Then you'll be the one who ends up having to bury lots of headless corpses.’

The thing about Utopia: it's very More-ish.

Runcorn. So close to the word ‘unicorn’. So very far from the concept.

Goodbye London. I'm sorry but I'm leaving you. It's not Euston -- it's Meston.

I've formed the letters ‘I’ and ‘T’ out of chopped onions. Read it and weep.

Like a grab-bag of Swallows and Amazons books, I'm holding you all to ransom.

I now know why the cupboard in which the Arctic Monkeys keep their Flans is marked ‘U’. They just think ‘U’ looks good on the Flans door.

Updated ‘what's a Grecian Urn?’ gag: what's an iPhone4? FOR LORDING IT OVER MY WIFE WHO ONLY HAS AN iPHONE3! Hah!

Looking forward to ‘Green Lantern’. About time somebody made a film about Scritti Politti.

Badiou Lieutenant #philosophyfilms

Where Eagles Derrida #philosophyfilms

The World As Will And Representation Is Not Enough #philosophyfilms

Wittgensteinnail and I #philosophyfilms

Žiž, Ectually #philosophyfilms

Deleuze and Let Die #philosophyfilms

No, no, the gangster I'M thinking of was called that because he had a really ace scarf ...

The chemical symbol for gold is ‘AU’, after what its inventor said when he dropped some on his foot.

Sad to see a female jailer locking up with a key made of rhino-horn. It's the horn-key turnkey women give me the horn-key torque blues.

The iPhone autospell forces me to retype and retype until my fingers bleed! Bloody He'll!

Too poor to sing my kids to sleep! I have to fall back on a lullarent.

My favourite Kierkegaard/Charlotte Brontë/Norse myth mash up is Eyre/Thor.

My favourite Hammer film is the one about the Wiccan who seeks out high-ranking military war-criminals: “Generalfinder Witch”.

I propose a special quick-transit line at the checkout for lactating mothers. We could call it 'the express till’.

I met a traveller from Australian land who said 'let me rub you with this towell, cobber: for I am Aussie man-dryer, king of kings.’

Medieval knights were given sixty seconds to kill one another without hesitation, deviation or repetition. It was called ‘Joust A Minute’.

Italian speciality ham will bring about the end of the world! It's Parmageddon!

Watch instead the Russian show: Ivan the Terrible Engine. His tracks are laid with human bones.

In the post today, very excited to receive a copy of the new Kierkegaard fitness/slimming DVD: 'Lither/Or'

Homer's great epic of anguilliform life: The Eeliad. It was the eel-themed Watership Down of its day.

Here come ole flat-top, he come grooving up slowly, he ... no, wait a minute. My mistake. It's Derek.

It's a little known fact that the UK Labour party was in part founded by the rugged Danish philosopher, Kier 'Hardie' Kegaard.

Due to a “Brazil”-style Government typo, I've now been officially appointed to carry the Olympic Flan to London.

I've watched all but one of the Harry Potter movies. Does he AT ANY POINT make a pot? Does he fuck. #disappointed

Had a terrible nightmare in which I was being attacked by giant fruit. Woke up yelling: ‘get your hands off me you damn dirty grape!’

When is a French synthesiser door not a French synthesiser door? When it's a Jarre.

You put your left Len-in. Your left Len-out. Your left Len-in and you shake the foundations of bourgeois complacency. #MarxistHokeyCokey

An evil wizard has cast a spell and turned me into an underarm deodorant! Charmed, I'm Sure.

Kierkegaard was scared by those who drape the engines of public transportation with gold. See his “Fear And Tram Bling” for details.

Right: time for some shuteye. And opensnore.

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