Gagyard

And in studied contrast to yesterday's post ... gags.

Those signs saying 'no Flash Photography' don't bother me. My photos are consistently dour and understated.

I never know whether 'i' is short or long when followed by two 's's. Ah well: ignorance is bleeess.

Dr Seuss. Did the Vicar sneeze when Christening him, or something?

Russian folk music. Or 'Country & Eastern' as I like to call it.

The O2 Arena is named after Dermot O'2, the famous Irish numeral.

Apparently the CPS is taking my Subconscious to court! Luckily I'm eligible for legal id.

The last Carry On film, *Carry On Kenneth Williams Committing Lonely Suicide*, didn't enjoy the commercial success of the earlier films.

Best Picture featuring Sean Connery in a Leather Loincloth. And the winner is ... #Zardoscar

Best Adaptation of an Early Steven King Novel. And the winner is ... #Oscarrie

Fucking Best Fucking Picture Nominations? Say hello to mah Leedle Friend! #Oscarface

According to a book on the shelf at my left, The Major Works Tennyson. That's a neat trick for a military man.

I've hoiked my underpants up and scratched my buttocks on a thousand planets! Honestly, I could write an Itch-hoikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Right: off to the corner shop. I don't know why we call it that. It does't even sell corners.

Next on my to-do list: 'stop grasping my own bottom'. I've been meaning to get to this for ages, but I'm afraid I've been very behindhand.

A depressed cat; a cauldron of gruel; drizzle; a spell to endure the ashen misery of another day. Yes. I practice Bleak Magic.

The phone rang, and a man offered me human respiratory syncytial virus. I told him: 'I don't buy anything from cold callers.'

Shakespeare pondering which container would be best for his ale: 'Toby jug? Or not Toby jug?'

For hetereosexuals who want to zip about -- the Segway! And for people of other orientations -- the Seg-gay! Zoom, zoom!

Time to wake up and smell the coffee. As opposed to that time I was farting from my mouth, When it was time to wake up and cough the smelly.

I feed the thread in at my right ear and out through my left; then I jiggle it assiduously. Works wonders. I call it 'mental floss'.

On entering the immaculate officers-only club, Lieutenant Hardy turned to Captain Laurel and said, admiringly: 'here's another fine mess!'

I've memorised a good bit of T S Eliot's poetry; but I know his Greek contemporary 'T S Oiliost' backwards.

Ecce Homo is a great work of philosophy; although it's not as compelling as Nietzsche's follow-up volume, Ecce Thump.

Breaking News: NASA to be funded by sweet manufacturers! Next mission: A-Polo 1.

'Pynchon on the Kindle' sounds like a small Bedfordshire village

I said to the man in Robert Dyas 'I want a piece of leather to sharpen my razor.' He said: 'Strop.' I said: 'Hammer time!'

I remember when Charlie Sheen was just starting out, flying that miniature plane to advertise furniture polish.

I've never understood the phrase 'hip! hip! hooray!' Surely one's hooray is located in between ones hips, not at the end?

The White Stripes do seem to be milking their split for publicity. Still, there's no use crying over a milked split.

Soviet Russia had the A-Bomb. British Marxism has the Hobs-bawm.

Yogi Bear wasn't actually a yogi. Unlike His Holiness the Maharishi Donald Duck.

Simon and Garfunkel's great song of conflict in the Somerset skies: 'Trouble over Bridgewater'

What a shame there are only a couple of working German spa-towns! It's just too bad.

Norm from Cheers bought half a pair of jeans. As I said, sarcastically, to him: 'Oh! Good buy, Norm -- *a* jean!'

Men! I know HOW YOU CAN CREATE A SENSATION AMONGST THE LADIES! Simply walk in and perform as if it is the Gents.

Men! I have the secret of HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN LIKE FLIES! The main part of the secret is -- you have to not mind women like flies.

Why has nobody created a Pork-based version of Bovril? We could call it Pigsvil.

Combining the music of Sun Ra, Dio, and the soundtrack to the Monkees' film 'Head' ought to sound like Radiohead. But it doesn't. Odd.

Newts. So smooth skinned! But then again, you should look through the ponds for some Oldts -- they're wrinkly as old bollocks.

I refuse to use the LOLcronym 'ROFL'. Out of respect for one of my favourite Muppets.

New children's book from Chuck Palahniuk: *The Very Angry Caterpillar*

I've invented a device for communicating with dead window cleaners. I'm calling it a Squeegie Board.

I'm breaking up with you. We're too incompatible; me with Twitter, you with your geometry. Honestly, it's not Euclid. It's meclid.

I'm drinking whisky from a glass! Yeah! I'm living the dram!

We English call it a Library. Because our lies are buried there.

Erik the Red discovered America. Other Vikings had failed to do so, but Eric was a Norse of a different colour.

I have just eaten a Creme Egg, That's one Creme Chicken that's never going to grow and live in the world.

I'm doing a Spike Milligan impression right now. Start as you mean to goon, that's my motto.