Gags, the sequel to the sequel

[It's a good job I started twitter again, or I'd have hardly any content for this site at all]:

When customs stopped me my luggage was absolutely stuffed with German sausage. It was a Würst Case scenario.

I'm a no-nonsense kind of guy. What I mean is: I advocate nonsense, but with a stutter

The sandwich was invented by the Earl of Sandwich. Similarly, the Croque Monsieur was invented by a monstrous crocodile-man hybrid.

Graham Norton. With all the money from his anti-virus software packages, you think he wouldn't need the TV work.

'Alice Through the Looking Glass' sounds charming and whimsical. 'Alice Through The Mirror' sounds like they'll need to hospitalise her.

Steven Hawking. Before they put him in the chair he liked nothing more than sitting on someone's wrist wearing a leather hood over his eyes.

The motto of the Stag Special Services: 'Who Deers, Wins'.

'My dog has no nose' 'How does he smell?' 'Very well, thanks to a new nose fitted by the Soviet Centre for Nasal Cybernetics.'

It's easy to make a poseable plastic Ken Dodd toy. It's a doddle.

If the inventor of the Spinning Jenny were alive today he'd be spinning in his grave.

I love step aerobics. It's just a shame I never knew my real aerobics.

We covered him with a Béchamel sauce & shredded cheese, but he seemed to like it. He was singing: 'I'm in the Mornay ...'

The thing about Utopia: it's very More-ish.

Rereading Cormac McCarthy's The Road. Superb, but as an adaptation of the old Bob Hope/Bing Crosby film series it's really VERY loose.

Nigel Kneale's best TV-play was his drama about a Society of Friends group dabbling with Catholic practices: The Quaker Mass Experiment.

I started on Twitter using hashtags, but now I've moved on to more serious stuff: cocainetags and herointags. It's a slippery slope, people.

The last few weeks I've been trying to perm my own hair using beermats. It's been a roller-coaster, I can tell you.

He stole John Noakes' dog! He's a Sheplifter!

Mankind's hubris! Why do we think our experiments with nuclear fusion will succeed, when our experiments with jazz fusion failed so badly?

Iris Murdoch's novels are highly regarded by many; but her greatest achievement was surely her pivotal role in The A-Team.

Using a ladder, I removed the first 'S' from the ESSO sign. Wrong, I know, but I was in trouble. I needed to send out an ESSO 'S'.

King Kong's problems began when he appointed his inexperienced younger son, Kim Kong-il, as his successor.

I've drawn up a list. Outmoded method of payment? Check! King in danger? Check! Tartan cloth? Check!

Benedict Cumberbatch. For a name that includes both 'dick' and 'cum', it's a remarkably un-pornstar name.

What makes the Mappa Mundi so valuable is that the medieval Mappas for Tuesday to Sunday have ALL been lost.

It seems I was wrong about IRON MAN. The main character is not, after all, called 'Ronald Man'. The title is not a nod to I Claudius.

I've managed to make a slice of processed cheese hover on a cushion of air. I plan to scale this technology up and patent: the hover-Kraft.

I hereby undertake to refer to 2011 as "Zoii!" at every opportunity.

I'm off to a Palm-reader, but I should warn you I'm an angry customer. If she gets the reading wrong, she'll feel the back of my hand ...

'Who's 007? Who's James Bond?' 'Who's the English superspy?' Things That Make M Go 'You'.

Hmm: Die Hard 2: Die Harder. Shouldn't that be Die More Hard? Do you think it's too late to tell them?

Typical Christmas Eve for me: sitting in bed, waiting for Santa, shotgun on my lap. This year he's definitely coming. I feel it.

Watching Robert Winston Smith on BBC1: he doesn't look at all like George Orwell describes him.

You know how Tennyson wrote 'tis better to have loved Anne Lost than never to have loved at all'...? What was so great about her, anyway?

The remarkable thing is not that JFK was elected despite being a Catholic; it's that he was elected despite being named after an airport.

If we're talking about writing, it's: 'show, don't tell.' If it's the proposed Terry Venables striptease, it's: 'Tel, don't show.'

I looked at a telescope through a telescope! I expected the universe to short-circuit. All I saw was a slightly larger telescope.

When I throw a party I like to sprinkle itching powder on my relatives. Livens things up. You'll always find my kin are itching at parties.

Magic door -- I'm afraid we don't have a future together. I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, it's not open sesayou. It's open sesame.

As I gorged myself on Baudrillard's chocolate ice-cream, I thought: 'welcome to the dessert of the real.'

I'm so tired I could be sponsored by Michelin.

Taking photographs of herring in little waistcoats and kilts is laughably easy. It's shooting fish in apparrel.

The remaining titles in the trilogy: Much Ado About 1, Much Ado About 2.

I bought a Golden Retriever, had it three year. And you know how much gold it retrieved for me in all that time? SOD ALL. Bastard.