Tweetgagging

Not for the first time.

Breaking news: Jean-Paul Sartre has had his honourary knighthood rescinded! From now on he's plain Jean-Paul Tre.

My boat was hijacked by particle physicists. They made me walk the Planck length.

In Henry VIII's day, tennis was played until a freshly mixed jelly went hard. Hence the duration was called 'a set'.

We now have the historical perspective to say with some authority: the three greatest musical geniuses were Bach, Beethoven and Jimmy Nail.

'Mark Twain' took his name from a Mississippi river-boatsmen call. So did his friend, the writer 'Out-Of-My-Way Dumbass'.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Well my pen is, anyway. It's ex-KGB and shoots acid.

Last night's chess match: I played the King's Indian. He beat me, though.

These leaves are just mad! Completely out of their tree!

Edward 'King' Lear: 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is/To have a thankless dong with a luminous nose!'

People who drop the initial letter from white drinks. I hate all of that ilk.

'Is this sugar?' I asked the spade-bearded man in the loincloth. 'No!' he bellowed. 'This! Is! ASPARTAMINE!'

Latest news on Groove Armada: most of them were shipwrecked trying to sail round Groove Scotland & get back to Groove Spain.

I keep my wallet on top of a lamp in my private Papillonerie. I like to put my money where my moth is.

He won't do business with me? I'll persuade him with a lifesize model of a famous rugby player. Gonna make him an Offiah he can't refuse.

A new organisation formed after the example of SETI, called 'SETT', will attempt to contact intelligent badgers.

As the velociraptor said when it got nappy rash: 'oh! oh! dino sore!'

I always set conjunctions in a larger font than the rest of the text. Also I sleep standing up. I like big 'but's and I cannot lie.

Oh the irony! Ah the paradox! Buying Perec's A Void for an e-Reader!

Gene Kelly was necessary. The original unmodified Natural Kelly couldn't dance at all.

I'm tempted to blow a raspberry. Does performing oral sex on a piece of fruit count as adultery?

I've taken to wearing spats, especially when I'm in pain. Because, of course, in spats, nobody can hear you scream.